It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My vagina is officially offended.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
