"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
