my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
