god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
