I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
