why didn't you poke me back
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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