You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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