Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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