So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
