so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
