you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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