My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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