Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
