Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
