i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
