I just threw up on my dentist
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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