This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Two words: blizzard sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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