My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Randomize
