Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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