You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
