Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
