Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
