i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
