im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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