in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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