I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
