Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My bed smells like the plague
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
