I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
