The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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