sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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