You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
