I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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