When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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