You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
