I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
