Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
