I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
