you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
