you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
