ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
