i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
