I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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