I think I won the penis lottery.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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