I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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