Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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