I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Edward fifth and chaser hands
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
