at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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