Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
