This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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