I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
