Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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