Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
