did you get engaged???
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
